eww

So, I love where I live. The neighborhood is cute and friendly and my rent is dirt cheap. The only problem is that there is no convenient place to do laundry. Therefore, sometimes the laundry builds up for quite some time. My roommate and I usually try at least three times before actually making it to the mat. Sometimes, it gets to a point where I have to just go out and buy some new essentials. Over the weekend it got to that point- that rock bottom point of buying a thong at Marshal's.

The undies I got didn't have a tag, so the checkout girl went to go find another pair. While she was gone, the skeezy dude at the next register picked them up and started running them through his fingers. I thought he was looking for a price tag at first, but, nope, he was just playing with them. I think that the worst part was, in the last few seconds before the girl came back, he made unblinking eye contact with me while rubbing the crotch between his thumb and forefinger. I guess I should have said something, but I was kinda frozen.

Later that night, as I was dressing for a date, I had to wonder, were those undies any cleaner than the ones in my hamper? I did laundry the next day.

The Early Years

As I was trying to think of when I started attracting such top-notch gentlemen, my mind automatically went to the 21 year old guy who liked to dress up as Dracula and deliver flowers to my high school. However, when I really dug deep and thought about it, I realized that this started waaaay before high school.

For awhile, I was doing really well. My preschool boyfriend even got me a My little Pony for Christmas- one of the nice ones with sparkle stars on her sides and pink aluminum foil in her mane. However, in Kindergarten things started going south. In kindergarten I met Chris.

Chris seemed pretty great. He had crazy brown hair and big dimples, and he was taller than all the other boys. Height is a very big thing for me. Anyway, Chris was probably taller than the other kids, because he was held back a year for behavioral problems. 5 year old me loved a bad boy. Chris wooed me in a very special way. He used his giant box of Rosearts(not crayolas, i told you-bad boy) to draw anatomically correct pictures of all the things he wanted to do with me. My parents put a stop to it when I told them that the cute boy in my class asked me to "take my clothes off and marry him during sex." Then, I showed them the illustration, in case anything was unclear. Yup. Winner. Why did he know that word? Why was he such a good artist? I still don't know.

Elementary school was full of such gems. There was Phillip, who chased me around the playground, weeping and spelling out"I space L -O -V -E space Y- O- U" , John Paul, who brought his brother's pocket knife and offered to cut anyone I wanted if I would kiss him under the table(I didn't), and Bryan who threw away all of the supplies in my school box and replaced them with all of his mother's jewelry. Yes, friends, I was well on my way to freak magnet greatness.

Nice to meet you. Now please stop following me.

So, I am just a normal twenty something girl livin' in the city. I have great friends, a hobby that I hope to somehow turn into a career, and a cute, yet crappy, day job. Something else about me: I smile a lot. Almost constantly. This could be the problem.I smile at friends. I smile at strangers. I smile at people who annoy the crap out of me. If I injure myself, i just smile harder. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's that I have big, blue, dumb eyes that make me look sweeter than I am. Maybe. I don't know. What I do know is that I am a freak magnet. Some of the men I attract are obvious, mouth-breathing, glassy-eyed weirdos. However, most are a little less obvious. Guys who seem sweet and normal until they introduce me to their stuffed animals as "mommy" or lock the doors and put on chicken porn. Yes those are real examples, and yes that is what this blog is about.